yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
