Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
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He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
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You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize