We won't sleep together?
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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