I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
