I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
