My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he puts the penis in happiness.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
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he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
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my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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