Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
