Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
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