Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
