i love accidental penises.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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