Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
