So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
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i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
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This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.