Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.