I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.