Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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