all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
It was like getting head from an anaconda
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
