My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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