she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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