Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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