You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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