24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
