i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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