At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
