Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
