She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
