quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
