We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
