you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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