Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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