I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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