i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
