He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
