Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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