i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
