u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
