apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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