Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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