Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
