just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
