You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
