I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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