He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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