I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
