I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
