Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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