What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
