I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
