everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
pray to the hookup gods
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
