My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
