you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
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you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
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Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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