Best friends brother. Beat that.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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