He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
