I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
