i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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