I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
