my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
we're so committed to being not committed
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
