i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
