my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
