I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
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How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
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I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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